Friday, December 30, 2011

Year-End Musings and the Crisis of Resolutions


The wind blowing from my window gradually cools as the evening turns into an early morning. As I juggle thoughts, plans, and faces in my mind I am left with one thing now just before the year 2011 call it quits: to make a recollection of the year past and make tentative plans for the coming one.

What can I say? The year has been a voyage as if in a sail-run ship, unpredictable days of brief triumphs and downright failures, swaying to the waves of outside events, clasping only the knowledge of steering and maneuvering. Forgive the figures of speech. If only those will be enough to describe the past twelve months.

...Brief Triumphs
Triumph is a strong word. But then its meaning resides in us, in what we consider triumphs and in what we do not consider as one. My gauge comes in the form of writing output, published works. My first history research paper came out this year, a fruit of my first unemployed semester. I can still recall those times when I had to hitch on a full-packed jeepney just to reach a rural barangay to interview war veterans. Then there are those published poems, one in Ateneo, one in South Korea, and two in USA. I am yet to make a ripple here in the country but at least I am aware that I still have many things to learn in craft and art that is poetry.

...Downright Failures
As I have never been a fan of personal lives getting posted like tabloid stories and being talked about by people who know nothing more than mere gossiping, I intend to make up anyway for the ugly events of the past few months. Responsibilities and mere adventurism blurred as I coursed through a sudden deluge of accidents and incidents, both intended and not. And as the coming year look upon me like a new chance I desire to follow the more amiable path, where more lives would be put at peace and where I can see real responsibilities put into realizations. Love conquers both in a good and a bad way but I wish to immerse myself in the uncorrupted form.

And at this juncture I wish the send my apologies to those people who may have felt the tug of my uncontrolled life in the past months. Amendments may come long but at least these tentative steps to settle things would suffice. Ugly details have been spilled around, yes, but I still stand by that conviction that there lay that thick wall dividing what’s public and what’s private in one’s life. I will be the sentinel of this border.

...of Resolutions
And the crisis lies on the concept of resolutions. A yearly set of resolutions inevitably assumes that what you have set the previous year has all been accomplished. That is not necessarily true for me.

- Write more and learn to write more. Lack of formal grounding on this craft is no longer an excuse not to excel. Go learn by the experience. Go learn through rejections and revisions. Writing is a love affair of its own.

- Travel more. Reach even the smallest corners of the cities or towns in the Philippines. Interview the commonest of the common and extract from them the essence, the soul of the ground that is the Philippines. The people’s stories, the structures of the past all form the moving saga, the moving history of ours.

- Save more. Not to poke fun on a well known establishment. But I need to save now owing to the uncertainly of my present situation. Unexpected problems can be best weathered with a sound pocket.

- Ponder more. An activity which I failed to do after graduating. Quiet moments under the trees. Quiet moments in a deserted train station. Quiet moments in the house. Quiet moments just before sleep. In the absence of deep prayers, may an exercise of meditations would help in organizing my thoughts and plans.

I close myself for this year, swallow in the down times, carry my bag to move onto the more aggressive and adventurous years ahead. I will walk on my own; this is my story.

“ on foot [is] virtue.”
-Werner Herzog

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