Saturday, February 20, 2010

Pit Stop

Pensees, Yet Again

It is essentially possible to count those entries here in ‘Viole(n\)t Mugs’ that has been my attempts at best to spill into the fast-paced world of the public those thoughts that have haunted me; those ‘personal’ things that could not have been relayed into VM, to other people who may chance to read upon it, except that they are so grave; things that I had the option of keeping to myself, except that I cannot handle them anymore.

Indeed, the stay in the university has crafted me to hold firm in my new-found, new-formed beliefs like a stubborn little lizard. My stay has also facilitated the inflation of my pride, the term ego being an exaggeration already. But what’s with that? When often I find myself in wreck from the things I cannot do effectively and efficiently, relations that I cannot handle maturely, and pursuits of pleasure far beyond the limits of the context of morality that we have. This rant leads to only one thing, an admission. An admission of frequent breakdowns in the face of varied activities. And only in these low times do I attempt to communicate those feelings, despite some reservations, out here in VM.

Growing Up, Growing Back

There is no more appropriate time to decide whether to ‘grow up’ or to ‘grow back’ than now. And that ‘now’ pertains to that every single moment when we are consciously aware of this particularly thing. And it would do us well, if we decide firmly with that every ‘now’. It would be stupidity on my part to squeal everything here, but my problems have created in themselves the image of connectivity and thus I am left with NO other choice but to choose to face them and act on them. To do what is right for them, and to stay away and distance myself from the things that would aggravate the problems. As in mathematical ones, man is not confined to short or long solutions. What is practical and would result to lasting solutions would be more favored.

I have denied myself of chances before but I think and believe that ‘now’ is the time to proceed in facing the phantoms of my past, the ogres of relations that faded into the haze of neglect and misunderstanding, and make the necessary explanations and apologies. There are so many people to date that needs to receive those words of reparations, even if no longer relevant or necessary. For I do not think that I could move forward that well if I would hide myself away again and deal with the present as if my past did not have any single blemish. Nothing is perfect anyway, and so why should I make an illusion of my largely irrelevant life?

Atrasos abound, things which I could not possibly reform if I would not start now. Being carefree has served me well before, but it is not so anymore. For growing up entails responsibilities, in small scale or in large one, that need to be attended to conscientiously and courageously. I have come to realize that I am too late for my age, but it is good to know these facts now, however gross and hurtful they may be to one’s pride, than to never have the chance, the resolve to reform at all.

“…Firm, undaunted…voices…”
*from [V] oices [F] rom the [A] ttic, by Munting Vibora, KM64 Chapbook

With all these, I am still holding strong to my resolve to fully delineate what is for public consumption and what is private for me. And I think secretiveness will stay. But nevertheless, for as long that I can manage starting from now to attend to people without strings attached, to proceed with activities and decisions with courage and excellence, to fulfill my responsibilities from the personal ones up to the social ones, and to establish a respectful image, then those two petty whims can be forgiven. I do not intend to emulate the great man ideal, but only to make the most of the things, capabilities and opportunities available to me.

If I have been sketchy, you might want to rake through the entry. It’s the best that I could do and share at present.

No comments: