Monday, February 16, 2009

Post-Valentine Sentiments: Resolve Revisit

First half of the Valentine spent in an obscure room amidst foreign pillows and blankets, resetting my brain and mind, just taking the time to savor the rest day. The other half spent actually sleeping again, thinking every now and then about the first two months of 0the year and how well I have fared in my activities during those months.
At the end of this Hearts Day, I was able to look back on my relationships with people which, to a certain extent, is relevant enough to be chewed by my mind. And I realized a number of things…
First: that most of the time, their strengths depend mainly on how well each party value them. I fell out of the circles of a number of people because I disregarded the fact that they were exerting effort to attend to me. They have accepted as I am yet I kept looking forward for something much better…that something nothing only but an illusion. Regret slams you the hardest when the present has become the past and you cannot do anything about it. I have wronged a number of people and if there’s any way I could return and make up for it, I’d gladly do it. I am expecting the same things again. The least that one can do in the face of a wreckage is to pick up those pieces that are still worth saving.
Second: that I have made some of them a playground, a thing I am severely ashamed of. I cannot find toned-down words to explain it. The only thing that pacifies the shame in a way is that no one really makes a perfect thing in his or her lifetime. The only difference in my case is that I am yet to reap the repercussions of my past playful actions (read karma). Although my disbelief in this concept stems from some philosophical stuff I believe in, I am starting to realize its reality somehow.
And now…
In the face of a new journey, away from all the clutter of wrong decisions and bad events of the past, I am clutching a new hand – its owner whose eyes are painted with innocence and short-sighted visions of the future – ready to embark on a change, despite the loss of hope of some to me, despite their continued contempt. I cannot hope to have a perfect relation in any point in my lifetime, but one, I believe can make the best out of it…if we endure long enough.
Tss. Whatever.
(High lang ulet, haha.)

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